He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
