Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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