I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize
