i really wish james franco would like my vagina
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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