I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
