The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
