I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
