It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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