Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
