how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
