I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize