Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
