You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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