so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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