Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
