I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
