Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
