Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
