Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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