The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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