Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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