All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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