Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
