I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
