I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
