When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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