well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Girls should come with a carfax report
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
