i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
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