found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
