I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
