When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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