it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
