I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
50% drunk capacity currently
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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