She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
