remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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