You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I think weed is turning my hair brown
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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