Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
