I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
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