Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
