I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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