you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
