i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
