I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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