If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
