I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
After last night, I could never be a politician.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
