I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
