i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
