Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
