fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
