i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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