checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
