everyone is single if you try hard enough
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
