when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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