my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
