she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
