There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
