Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
