she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
